Day 215 in 2020

Day 111 in 2020 (isolation day 37)

I've always had a specific shopping day each week. I'd make a meal plan for the coming week, list the things I needed from the store, and tackle said list all in one go. I liked that routine. Though the day of the week would change from year to year based on Calvin's activities and other demands on my schedule, there has always been a shopping day. Now it's been weeks since I set foot in a physical store. I still put together a weekly meal plan and create a list of needed ingredients, but these days I'm doing all my "shopping" in our basement pantry and freezer. Silver lining—I can do it in my pajamas.

Day 116/365

Life must go on. The next morning, the first full day without, all the small things and realizations—these are the things that get you. It’s not making the decision, or handling the bill, or even the moment they stop breathing. It’s the empty collar in your hand as you leave and the empty bed at home. It's the bark free pizza delivery, and having to eat the bowl of popcorn without help. It's leaving the Dogs with Cancer support group on facebook because it cannot help you anymore.

And it's having to go on with your life without them, because if you don't, life will go on without you.

Day 86/365

This is how we do bad colds in our house (and that lunch on a tray? My sweet son brought it to me...which seems only fair, since he's the one that shared the cold with in the first place).

Photo 247/365

Lunch and shopping with my parents has been a self-renewing event on our calendar for nearly twelve years now. I think it started originally as just a lunch or two a month, scattered here and there to celebrate little milestones, like "oh, he's one month old!" or "first day of mommy and me music". As the months went by, the "celebrations" became more frequent and narrowed down to just mom and us, since my dad was still working. They were my break from the monotony of "momhood" and an extra chance for some adult conversation during the day. Somewhere along the way we added grocery shopping after lunch, and later, after he retired we added my dad back in. The day of week has moved around, and trips here or there put things on hold for a week or two at a time, but for pretty much all of Calvin's life that event has been a constant. Until now. This year Calvin is at the public school for about two hours every afternoon, and at the same time he's embarking on more in-depth subject studies, so our mornings have had to be more disciplined, meaning, at least for now, the lunch and shopping tradition is on hold. Today was a our last trip together for a while.

This year has brought lots of changes to our schedule, our way of living, our home...and while change is often freeing and growth-inducing, sometimes it can also feel like the jaws of an alligator closing around a susceptible finger.